Why an apology is not the answer

May 20, 2014 by Yvonne Treen

Why an apology is not the answer

“Well, I want an apology!”.  This coming from a person who had been in a conflict situation with a work colleague for near-on two years.  She absolutely wanted the conflict to end but at the point of talking to me, she was still in blame mode.  Getting an apology from the other person was her preferred resolution.  Of course, the subtext was that if she got this magic apology then she was vindicated and the other person was wrong. 

As is often the case, the conflict had already cast a dark shadow over the whole team’s reputation for high technical competence and great customer service.  Outsiders were saying there was no way they would ever work in THAT team.    The story of the conflict had become part of the story of the team.

The conflict was also eroding the two individual’s good standing with their manager.    Embedded in the conflict the two individuals had become blind to the costs of the conflict and in fact, by focusing on their mutual dislike of each other, the conflict was growing in strength and intensity.  When that happens - who started it, or who was most in the wrong - becomes irrelevant.

In conflict coaching, one of the key aims is to introduce the concept of mutuality.  The coaching process does not deny the distress each person feels for their own situation but asks them to look at the conflict as a problem.  A problem which can only be solved if all parties buy into the solution. 

Without judging the rights and wrongs, it seeks to get each person in the conflict to develop a bit more empathy, to see how things look on the other side.  In this way, options for resolving the conflict move past ritualistic apologising to something more meaningful.

So the coaching questions to help the person move past wanting an apology and develop mutuality were along the lines of:

• What sort of apology?
• In what ways will an apology resolve this conflict for you?
• In what ways will an apology resolve this conflict for the other person?
• What will it be like for you if the other person also asks for an apology?
• What happens after an apology is given (if one is offered)?

Working through these questions clearly identified for the coachee that an apology could maybe feel like some sort of vindication but it was not going to solve the problem of how to end a two-year conflict which had assumed a life of its own.  The conflict was resolved – without an apology being asked for or offered.